I wrote about how quickly things changed after my parents started going to church in my last post, I’m starting from that point.

This is how quickly my siblings and I’s lives changed. We were happy playing with cousins in the woods to no longer playing with them or spending time with my Mom’s family one or for sure two years later after my parents started going to church. This was 1981 to 1982, I think we stayed in Deville till 1983. Crazy thing then happened my Father who had not been going to church but a few years decided he was called to preach and then decided to quit his job to move to a different area to help at a church. We had no where to live so they bought a travel trailer and we used the churches parsonage. I was now 12 or 13 when we moved there. We at least brought our dog and because it was in the country were able to have a country life. While there my father became the pastor because the elderly pastor passed away. This is when things started happening that was completely different from what my life had been before. We were still no longer going to a normal school, that would get worse.

The change from safe to not safe started after my parents moved us to another very small area in Louisiana further North where they had originally come from. I don’t recall how it happened I only know that looking back there was no explanation to it happening. The only thing that makes sense is things before it started happening to us kids were hidden very well, I would say it had been perfect till it wasn’t. Us kids didn’t complain about things changing and our behavior didn’t change because of the crazy quick uprooting of our lives and disconnect from our close family. The people at the small country church were nice to us and we had new friendships. We still were able to play outside and had our dog that we loved and he followed us everywhere. I felt like in the beginning that my father only had one problem and it was me. I was twelve for sure thirteen when it started and it started with things that he believed were a sin because our religion taught that it was. First thing was makeup. He was upset that I had brought some home and he found it in the vehicle. I had hidden it so obviously I didn’t agree with them that it was wrong. No big deal right it’s just makeup. It was a big deal to him. He freaks out and goes to a nearby field and lays himself on the ground and acts like he’s grief stricken or praying. Whatever it was it was a lot of drama for only a teenager wanting to wear makeup. While there living at this location I remember sitting on the ground crying because of feelings of hurt and sadness my dog laid his head in my lap comforting me. I can close my eyes and still see it. Now my parents who had never hit us or ever needed to punish us decided the things the new religion believed were sin were punishable by a belt. My mind has blocked the first time I was hit I only know I was hit with a belt, a western belt with my father’s name on it.

I’m adding to this post a few weeks later because I think it ended like I was in the middle of a thought and forgot to finish it.

This is the ending of it because I’m working on another post, also I am new to writing so please bear with me and come back to read more. I will be gradually posting weekly or often.

I am having trouble with my mind blocking things since I started this. My thought about it is that the therapy has truly helped me so much that things in my early life that were painful are now not vivid memories anymore. The truth I do know is the violence from my father had no connection to something us kids or my mother did, we were all good people. I had trouble in school one time because in elementary my teacher was very mean. Other than that we all were normal and only would have needed guidance or words that we had disappointed. We would have learned something from discipline but instead we suffered violence for things he believed were a sin or just because he was angry for reasons we were clueless about. Life truly changed for us and I 100% believe someone knows before it happened to my siblings and I the truth about my father from his birth to his marriage to my mother and till the time he started causing his kids pain and suffering. When did his suffering start that caused the damage within him that would later destroy our family unit? It’s the truth that isn’t fully hidden to me now but a lot of it is. I’m not saying I need or want to know what happened to him, but I think it’s important when you blame yourself for everything and feel unworthy to know it truly was never what you did that caused that abuse or abandonment or lack of care from your parents.

Ending for now but I will continue the story soon.